Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Me, The Cheater

I am going to get really candid about my personal life in this blog post, something that I fiercely protect from people. I want to be known for my work, and not the shenanigans that happen in my life off camera.

And today will be the first and the last time I talk about my personal life, and this concerns about my broken relationships. You see, I've only had two serious relationships in my life. The first one lasted 5 years, and the second one that just ended clocked in at 4 years. That also means that I have been attached since I was 18.

And during the duration of both relationships, it was I who cheated. Yes, you read that right; I was the cheating one in the relationship. And maybe your perception of me would change after reading this post but I feel that there is a moral responsibility on my end to talk about cheating or fidelity at large. I am not picking sides with cheaters and neither am I trying to justify my actions. This post I hope, would speak to you and serve as a reminder for those who are in a relationship and those who will be in a relationship in the future.

Cheating is wrong. Everybody knows it and anyone who has indulged in it or had been at the receiving end of it knows of this fact. I am a cheater, and I cheated in BOTH of my relationships. So basically I am scum. And it gets worse: I cheat, repeatedly.

And it has cost me both of my relationships. All those lies, secrets and promises of change amounted to nothing but heartbreak, broken trust and a deep sense of loss. But I have no one else to blame but myself. I knew what I was getting myself into, and yet I went straight into it, thinking to myself "This would be the last time" and then I did it again, and again, and again.

I suffer from the Othello Syndrome. It is the delusion of infidelity of a spouse or a partner accompanied by morbid jealousy and in many cases, cheating on your end to counteract offset that delusion. This syndrome affects, surprisingly more males than females.

This is not an excuse. I have no excuses for my cheating, I was well aware of the fidelity of my partner and that fact alone makes me feel worthless, and worthless is all I have been feeling for the past few days.

Many chances were given and many chances were misused. Many promises were made and many promises were broken. What kills me is the sudden quietness in my life. It is deafening and it kills me every second. But I know better than to seek refuge in others because I am responsible for my own actions and I deserve this deathly sense of loss and pain. It is the only treatment I deserve.

I don't think I will be in another relationship. I don't think I have the emotional capacity to forgive myself for what I've continually done in the past.

Let this serve as a reminder to all of you out there who are cheating at this very moment, or have thoughts about cheating on your partner. Let me tell you this: It's not worth it. You will lose much more than a partner. You will lose respect for yourself. And no person is more pitiful than one who has zero self-respect.