The brassiere should be every girl's best friend. Not diamonds. A bra gives you support where it matters the most and a bra gets half of the job done when trying to pick up men in a club.
Woe is a flat chested woman.
Where was I? Yes, the bra. It is singlehandedly (after pads and tampons) the most important accessory that a woman can have. You can leave your house without panties on (it drives men crazy) but to leave your house without a bra. Bra-sphemous. A bra can make you go from drab to fab in just a matter of seconds.
So it was a very big surprise when Star (who is a full 36C) came to meet us one evening for dinner without any bra on.
"You look like you have two pairs of knees," I laughed upon meeting her.
"Moo!" Steve continued.
"I'm not going to say anything. I've got fake tits, they don't drop," Melanie said, trying to stifle their laughter.
"I will tit slap all of you," Star rolled her eyes.
Turns out, Star has a rash on the inside of her left breast and is advised by her doctor to not wear any bra at the moment so as to let the rashes heal and not to aggravate it further.
"So you have not been wearing any bra to work for the past two days?" Steve asked.
"It's dreadful. I have been wearing a lot of scarves these few days I feel like Andre Leon Talley. I am this close to being called The Scarved Lady. It's awful. I miss my push up bra!" Star sulked.
She was leaning forward and resting her breasts on the table. Steve kept putting cutleries on top of her breasts to balance for his own amusement. Star snatched one of the forks and poked him.
This is why I love my friends. They're retarded.
A couple of minutes later, the waiter came to our table with our food. Late teens, pimple, Greg was his name. Soft spoken and as expected he couldn't take his eyes off Star's ample bosom taking a rest on the table.
Star saw this and in true Star style, she sweetly asked Greg, "Are you looking at my breasts Greg?"
We all broke out in laughter, Greg's face getting redder.
"Ummm...no, sorry," he stuttered, obviously shaken.
"Why are you scared? I'm not angry," Star smiled.
"Slut!" I coughed out, audibly.
After dinner, I brought the three stooges back to my place as they have no plans afterwards.
When I opened the door, my mum came out of her room and hugged all the three of them.
She stopped before hugging Star and asked, "Did you get a double mastectomy like Angelina Jolie or what? Where are your..oh there they are!"
My mum started jiggling Star's breasts and laughed. Just then my brother came out of his room and when he saw what my mum was doing, he screamed, "Oi!!"
Welcome to my life.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Basic Human Need
We are lucky that in this country, drinkable water is just a tap away. Granted, half of the time it is recycled waste water (oh, remember the jokes made by a politician across the causeway?) but the bottom line is, Singaporeans have drinkable clean water running through their taps 24/7.
And boy do we take it for granted.
We are so used to having access to drinkable water at the snap of our fingers that we don't accustom ourselves to situations when the access of clean drinking water is compromised. Like yesterday.
After getting my haircut at the salon that Melanie works at, I waited for her to finish her shift before going for dinner together. We shall not disclose the name of the restaurant as it is the very spine of my rant today.
So we were at this restaurant, famished and were seated down; our orders promptly taken. After ordering, Melanie politely asked, "May I have a glass of iced water?"
"Sorry ma'am, we don't serve iced water," the young waitress replied.
"Oh that's fine, normal tap water would do," Melanie smiled, not sensing anything fishy.
"Sorry ma'am we cannot serve free iced or tap water. if you want plain water, you can order a small bottle of Evian for $4.90," the waitress (Anne on her nametag) sweetly smiled.
There was five seconds of sheer, incomprehensible silent of tension.
I massaged my temples because I know what is going to happen next. Anything but good.
"Are you saying that I have to pay five bucks to drink a glass of plain water?" Melanie asked softly.
"Yes, I'm so sorry ma'am," Anne replied, her face looking slightly terrified all of a sudden.
"That's fine then," Melanie said. And off the waitress went.
"You look tense, here have a glass of water. Oh wait, there isn't any," I laughed.
"Is it just me or do you find this whole water ban ridiculous?" Melanie seethed.
"It is. Or maybe they are just trying to save cost?" I reasoned.
"Get me a big bottle of Evian from 7-11 downstairs. It costs much lesser than a pathetic 250ml of bottled Evian here," Melanie pleaded.
"Are you serious?" I asked.
"I have been cutting hair all day long. I practically have a hairball in my throat right now, please," she whispered urgently.
And so I went to the 7-11 two storeys down. 5 minutes later, I carried the 7-11 plastic bag into the restaurant, big bottled of chilled Evian water inside.
Melanie quickly grabbed the bottle away from my hand and started guzzling down the chilled water.
Suddenly, without warning Anne came to our table and urgently said to Melanie, "Sorry, no outside food and drinks allowed!"
Oh. Fucking. Yes.
"YOU WON'T GIVE ME WATER FROM THE FUCKING TAP AND I CANNOT EVEN DRINK MY OWN WATER?! WATER IS A BASIC HUMAN NEED BITCH!"
We had our dinner elsewhere. I am not going to bail out a tranny from a police station. Not ready for it just yet.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Just A Spoonful Of Sorry
The weather in this country lately have been very erratic, much like Amanda Byne's new behaviour (read: craycray).
One day it is torrential rain and the other, hotter than the pits of hell (any religion's version but preferably the Chinese's 18th level of damnation).
Yesterday was damnation day. That, and couple with a considerable amount of haze in the air was enough to drive me crazy and my only salvation would be a huge cup of ice cold salted caramel gelato.
So after I had my own time of solitary reading (cause I'm a loner that's why) at Starbucks (ice shaken green tea please), I made my way to the nearest gelato shop at Lido to satisfy my craving for ice cold gelato.
But this being Singapore, even a small gelato shop has got a queue in front of it and like any good citizen, I went in line.
You know how some people are magnets for douchebags? Well, I am a magnet for stupid people. Not intellectually challenged stupidity, but lack of goodness kind of stupidity. And goodness in every sense that there is.
In front of me was this lady in her forties, with two children, a boy and a girl, both not more than 10 years old. She was trying the different flavours of the gelato, one spoonful for her, two spoonfuls for her kids.
I didn't mind because I had all the time in the world to wait and I believe that if you're going to have a cup of gelato goodness, you might as well be having a flavour that you would enjoy.
But byt he third flavour testing, my "stupidity radar" started blinking.
"Can I try the pistachio flavor?" she asked.
A spoonful of pistachio gelato.
"Can I have two more, my kids also want to taste and then decide," she requested, the third time now.
Two spoonfuls of pistachio gelato.
Total spoon check: 9.
This fuckery was followed by:
1) Salted Caramel
2) Dark Chocolate.
3) Strawberry Sorbet
4) Cookies And Cream
5) Bailey's Cream
6) Cappuccino
7) Chocolate And Mint
8) Lemon Sunrise
If you passed your Math, you would know that over a hundred disposable spoons have been given out; for one customer.
By this time the poor boy manning the parlour was so pissed he was practically scowling openly to the retarded lady. Behind me, a small queue of over seven people have been formed.
But the biggest fuckery came when the lady flatly said, "It's okay. Maybe next time."
I wanted to kick her so bad not because she just wasted the boy's time when she clearly has got no intention of buying any gelato whatsoever but the fact that there was zero sense of graciousness. Not a single sorry was given.
She walked away and I came to the counter, gave a huge smile and said, "Two large cups of gelato please."
It was worth the tummy ache.
One day it is torrential rain and the other, hotter than the pits of hell (any religion's version but preferably the Chinese's 18th level of damnation).
Yesterday was damnation day. That, and couple with a considerable amount of haze in the air was enough to drive me crazy and my only salvation would be a huge cup of ice cold salted caramel gelato.
So after I had my own time of solitary reading (cause I'm a loner that's why) at Starbucks (ice shaken green tea please), I made my way to the nearest gelato shop at Lido to satisfy my craving for ice cold gelato.
But this being Singapore, even a small gelato shop has got a queue in front of it and like any good citizen, I went in line.
You know how some people are magnets for douchebags? Well, I am a magnet for stupid people. Not intellectually challenged stupidity, but lack of goodness kind of stupidity. And goodness in every sense that there is.
In front of me was this lady in her forties, with two children, a boy and a girl, both not more than 10 years old. She was trying the different flavours of the gelato, one spoonful for her, two spoonfuls for her kids.
I didn't mind because I had all the time in the world to wait and I believe that if you're going to have a cup of gelato goodness, you might as well be having a flavour that you would enjoy.
But byt he third flavour testing, my "stupidity radar" started blinking.
"Can I try the pistachio flavor?" she asked.
A spoonful of pistachio gelato.
"Can I have two more, my kids also want to taste and then decide," she requested, the third time now.
Two spoonfuls of pistachio gelato.
Total spoon check: 9.
This fuckery was followed by:
1) Salted Caramel
2) Dark Chocolate.
3) Strawberry Sorbet
4) Cookies And Cream
5) Bailey's Cream
6) Cappuccino
7) Chocolate And Mint
8) Lemon Sunrise
If you passed your Math, you would know that over a hundred disposable spoons have been given out; for one customer.
By this time the poor boy manning the parlour was so pissed he was practically scowling openly to the retarded lady. Behind me, a small queue of over seven people have been formed.
But the biggest fuckery came when the lady flatly said, "It's okay. Maybe next time."
I wanted to kick her so bad not because she just wasted the boy's time when she clearly has got no intention of buying any gelato whatsoever but the fact that there was zero sense of graciousness. Not a single sorry was given.
She walked away and I came to the counter, gave a huge smile and said, "Two large cups of gelato please."
It was worth the tummy ache.
25 Stupid Things Singaporeans Do
1) Using their bags to tap their ez-link instead of taking out their wallets.
It's an ez-link and reader, not a bag reader. Lazy as fuck for what?
2) Using tissue paper to reserve a seat at food courts.
Unfortunately for you, I don't give a shit. Thanks for the tissues though.
3) Queueing.
There's only 24 hours in a day. And aren't your feet tired?
4) Asking for discounts in a high end store when it is clearly not a sale period.
If you can't fucking afford, don't walk the fuck in.
5) If above fails, asks for free gifts.
Why? Cause you're a cheap ass that's why.
6) Taking pictures of their food.
We all do, fair enough. But I draw the line at spending more than fifteen minutes on it. Anything more, you're better off eating your camera.
7) Complaining.
Bitch and moan for a while, then suck it up and move on. God, once a whiner, always a whiner.
8) Sending your kids to five different enrichment classes.
Face these 2 facts: 1) Your child is average. 2) Your child is average.
9) Writing to the government.
And...?
10) Pretending to sleep on the train.
Let me give you a pillow while you're at it? A blanket? Yes? No?
11) Blaming teachers if your child fails in his/her exams.
Cause you know, every teacher in this country is just dying to see your kid fail.
12) Taking too long at the ATM.
It's an Automated Transaction Machine. Not Ah Takeyourownbloodysweetimenevermind Machine.
13) Being painfully self-righteous.
Cannot repeal 377A. Must protect our Asian values and traditions. Students asking lecturers to sleep with them in exchange for good grades is a very Asian concept for?
14) Take a budget airline and complain about service.
You want to be treated like a king, spend like one you cheapskate motherfucker.
15) Taking 300 photos of your baby. While your baby is sleeping.
How about you stop at the 5th click? Cause your baby is fast asleep and not giving any kind of interesting variations in his/her photos. That, and your baby is ugly.
16) Girls who hold their boyfriend's hands and not letting go.
He needs to pee bitch, and he's not going to run away.
17) Parents who us their baby pictures going, "Cute right my baby?"
YOU ARE LUCKY IT IS NOT A TWIN.
18) Not putting back the things in a store at the same place after you have finished browsing.
If you're a pig, keep your filthy behaviour within the confines of your room. Not show it in public.
19) Going to a community centre to learn dancing from dodgy dance instructors.
Why?
20) Giving foreigners face.
Again...why?
21) Wearing a jacket to Orchard ROad. At 2 in the afternoon.
There is a limit, even to being pretentious. Fashion without common sense.
22) Converting the bomb shelter into a storeroom.
Because it makes perfect sense you know.
23) Go to Starbucks, buy one drink and then hog the table for six hours.
Best. Idea. Ever.
24) Wearing suede shoes during the monsoon season.
Then get angry at yourself when it rains. Now tell me, stupid or not?
25) Trying to have sex with your lecturer in exchange for grades.
Because you're too stupid too study.
It's an ez-link and reader, not a bag reader. Lazy as fuck for what?
2) Using tissue paper to reserve a seat at food courts.
Unfortunately for you, I don't give a shit. Thanks for the tissues though.
3) Queueing.
There's only 24 hours in a day. And aren't your feet tired?
4) Asking for discounts in a high end store when it is clearly not a sale period.
If you can't fucking afford, don't walk the fuck in.
5) If above fails, asks for free gifts.
Why? Cause you're a cheap ass that's why.
6) Taking pictures of their food.
We all do, fair enough. But I draw the line at spending more than fifteen minutes on it. Anything more, you're better off eating your camera.
7) Complaining.
Bitch and moan for a while, then suck it up and move on. God, once a whiner, always a whiner.
8) Sending your kids to five different enrichment classes.
Face these 2 facts: 1) Your child is average. 2) Your child is average.
9) Writing to the government.
And...?
10) Pretending to sleep on the train.
Let me give you a pillow while you're at it? A blanket? Yes? No?
11) Blaming teachers if your child fails in his/her exams.
Cause you know, every teacher in this country is just dying to see your kid fail.
12) Taking too long at the ATM.
It's an Automated Transaction Machine. Not Ah Takeyourownbloodysweetimenevermind Machine.
13) Being painfully self-righteous.
Cannot repeal 377A. Must protect our Asian values and traditions. Students asking lecturers to sleep with them in exchange for good grades is a very Asian concept for?
14) Take a budget airline and complain about service.
You want to be treated like a king, spend like one you cheapskate motherfucker.
15) Taking 300 photos of your baby. While your baby is sleeping.
How about you stop at the 5th click? Cause your baby is fast asleep and not giving any kind of interesting variations in his/her photos. That, and your baby is ugly.
16) Girls who hold their boyfriend's hands and not letting go.
He needs to pee bitch, and he's not going to run away.
17) Parents who us their baby pictures going, "Cute right my baby?"
YOU ARE LUCKY IT IS NOT A TWIN.
18) Not putting back the things in a store at the same place after you have finished browsing.
If you're a pig, keep your filthy behaviour within the confines of your room. Not show it in public.
19) Going to a community centre to learn dancing from dodgy dance instructors.
Why?
20) Giving foreigners face.
Again...why?
21) Wearing a jacket to Orchard ROad. At 2 in the afternoon.
There is a limit, even to being pretentious. Fashion without common sense.
22) Converting the bomb shelter into a storeroom.
Because it makes perfect sense you know.
23) Go to Starbucks, buy one drink and then hog the table for six hours.
Best. Idea. Ever.
24) Wearing suede shoes during the monsoon season.
Then get angry at yourself when it rains. Now tell me, stupid or not?
25) Trying to have sex with your lecturer in exchange for grades.
Because you're too stupid too study.
What A Big T(issue)
Stupidity and ignorance is prevalent (and rampant) in this county. This is the only country in the entire world where it makes perfect sense to claim ownership of a table at a public eatery with...a tissue paper.
Luckily for my friends and I, we don't adhere to such rubbish.
Yesterday, Steve, Melanie, Star and I decided to have Nasi Lemak at Adam Road because it has been ages since we all sat together for dinner at a foodcourt.
At around eight at night, Steve picked up all of us and off we went to savour the legendary Adam Road Nasi Lemak.
When we reached, it was relatively busy and quite packed; then again when is Adam Road foodcourt not packed? Star saw an empty round table and quickly sat there. I sat with her and asked Melanie and Steve to buy the Nasi Lemak for us.
After sitting down, I realized that there is a pack of tissues on the table. I snorted and took it away and asked Star to keep it in her bag.
"What do you know? Free tissues," I sniggered.
Star chuckled.
A couple of minutes later, Melanie and Steve came to our table bearing four plates of the glorious Nasi Lemak. We quickly tucked in, unable to contain our ravenous appetite.
Just then, two middle aged ladies came to our table, a tray filled with food per lady, face annoyed.
"Sorry this is our table," one of the lady said curtly.
"There wasn't anybody who was sitting here when i came," Star said, her voice calm and steady.
"You cannot see the tissue is it?" the other lady replied rudely.
"Oh this?" Star said taking out the packet of tissue paper from her bag.
Both women had a horrified expression on their faces.
"Yes! That's mine! I reserved the seat already this table is mine!" one of them raised their voice.
"Oh my god this Nasi Lemak is sooo good!" Melanie said, spiting the two ladies even more.
"So if I throw a packet of tissue in your house, can I come by in a couple of hours and say it's mine?" Star asked, childlike.
I chuckled. Loudly.
"But it's common sense! This is Singapore you know!" one of the ladies said, literally shouting now. Half of the people seated in the foodcourt stared at our table.
"It's not," Star shook her head and smiled.
"What?" the lady spat.
"It's not common sense. At all," Star shook her head.
"Stupid people!" one of them said, and both ladies walked away.
"This is why I don't eat at foodcourts. And it's not because I am filthy rich," Steve said, biting into his chicken wing.
"Are we going to be on Stomp?" Melanie asked.
"Wouldn't you love that?" I laughed.
But honestly, are we on Stomp?
Luckily for my friends and I, we don't adhere to such rubbish.
Yesterday, Steve, Melanie, Star and I decided to have Nasi Lemak at Adam Road because it has been ages since we all sat together for dinner at a foodcourt.
At around eight at night, Steve picked up all of us and off we went to savour the legendary Adam Road Nasi Lemak.
When we reached, it was relatively busy and quite packed; then again when is Adam Road foodcourt not packed? Star saw an empty round table and quickly sat there. I sat with her and asked Melanie and Steve to buy the Nasi Lemak for us.
After sitting down, I realized that there is a pack of tissues on the table. I snorted and took it away and asked Star to keep it in her bag.
"What do you know? Free tissues," I sniggered.
Star chuckled.
A couple of minutes later, Melanie and Steve came to our table bearing four plates of the glorious Nasi Lemak. We quickly tucked in, unable to contain our ravenous appetite.
Just then, two middle aged ladies came to our table, a tray filled with food per lady, face annoyed.
"Sorry this is our table," one of the lady said curtly.
"There wasn't anybody who was sitting here when i came," Star said, her voice calm and steady.
"You cannot see the tissue is it?" the other lady replied rudely.
"Oh this?" Star said taking out the packet of tissue paper from her bag.
Both women had a horrified expression on their faces.
"Yes! That's mine! I reserved the seat already this table is mine!" one of them raised their voice.
"Oh my god this Nasi Lemak is sooo good!" Melanie said, spiting the two ladies even more.
"So if I throw a packet of tissue in your house, can I come by in a couple of hours and say it's mine?" Star asked, childlike.
I chuckled. Loudly.
"But it's common sense! This is Singapore you know!" one of the ladies said, literally shouting now. Half of the people seated in the foodcourt stared at our table.
"It's not," Star shook her head and smiled.
"What?" the lady spat.
"It's not common sense. At all," Star shook her head.
"Stupid people!" one of them said, and both ladies walked away.
"This is why I don't eat at foodcourts. And it's not because I am filthy rich," Steve said, biting into his chicken wing.
"Are we going to be on Stomp?" Melanie asked.
"Wouldn't you love that?" I laughed.
But honestly, are we on Stomp?
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