For a good portion of my teenage and young adult life, I worked as a boutique assistant and it really made me see just how ugly and stupid people can really be when they shop.
In this blog post, I am going to share with you the top 5 most annoying customers that I have had the unfortunate opportunity to serve and at that point of time, try my level best to NOT set them on fire. I'm sure some of you who have been in the retail industry can relate to this post.
To protect the image and confidentiality of brands and the people and company I have worked with, I would not be disclosing the real names. This is to protect their identity. I know right? I totally sound like a disclaimer of a badly produced "Based On A True Story" television show.
So here goes:
5) What Actually Happened: There was this annoying lady who came to my store with an equally obnoxious friend and they spent half an hour just telling me that they have five of those $4000++ bags EACH at home. They were carrying a cheap ass FILA bag mind you. And if that fuckery is not enough, they went on and on about how much cheaper the bags were in Paris. They also started taking pictures of the bags for their "friend".
What Was Going On Inside My Head: Is this a fucking photography class or what?
What I Actually Said: "Hah? You have five? Then why never wear ma'am. Haha. Expensive things must wear out frequently if not it will mould in your closet." *smiles so she fucking gets it
4) What Actually Happened: I was minding my own business when a male customer walked in and asked me, "Where is Valentino?!" in a very condescending manner. I told him that there wasn't any, at least not in the malls within 5km radius. "How come there is no Valentino?! This is such a big shopping centre and there's no Valentino?!"
What Was Going On Inside My Head: "ASK YOUR FATHER TO OPEN UP A VALENTINO STORE HERE THEN."
What I Actually Said: Well I said nothing. I just gave him a disinterested look and walked off.
3) What Actually Happened: It was already 10:30PM at night and we were getting ready to close the store. I shut down the shutter halfway and then went inside the office to switch off all the lights. When I went out of the office, a lady in her mid thirties poked her head underneath the half-closed shutter and asked in the most annoying voice you can possibly imagine, "Are you guys still open?"
What Was Going On Inside My Head: "No lah, we are about to do the Limbo Rock. Come join us!"
What I Actually Said: "No."
2) What Actually Happened: An Ah Lian came into the store and enquired about a certain iconic bag that is made up of turquoise dyed ostrich leather instead of the usual calf or napa leather. I told her that the special edition bag was retailing at $12,500. You know what that bitch said? "Hah?! Why so expensive one? Where got bag until $12k walao. You lying to me right? Is this real ostrich leather or synthetic?"
What Was Going On Inside My Head: "She knows the word synthetic. Wow. I'm Impressed."
What I Actually Said: Again, nothing. I just laughed and put the bag back on the shelf and walked off.
1) What Actually Happened. As usual I was minding my own business, just wiping the glass panels, adjusting bags and dusting off the shelves when this middle aged woman came into the store and loudly asked, "This bag is real or fake?"
What Was Going On Inside My Head: "I can't...I just...I can't."
What I Actually Said: "I don't think it is possible to sell fake branded goods openly in Singapore ma'am." *flashes biggest smile I could possibly muster.
I know, I know, I wasn't the best boutique assistant around back then and many times my snarky attitude would just vomit through my mouth. But try serving stupid inconsiderate and rude customers day in and day out and tell me if you wouldn't go crazy.
So, feel free to comment and share your experiences in the comments section!
P/S: Society needs to do away with the notion of "The Customer Is Always Right". The customer is ALWAYS important, but not always right. That statement just sounds obnoxious.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
25 Versions Of Love
1) Love is waking up beside your girlfriend in the morning and trying your level best not to scream at her make-up less face.
2) Love is seeing your boyfriend wearing bermudas and Crocs to Orchard Road and not fucking him upside down there and then.
3) Love is saying"It's gorgeous" when your boyfriend presents you a crummy ring.
4) Love is asking your girlfriend "Where else you want to shop at baby?" after waiting for her to shop for 3 hours in front of Tangs.
5) Love is paying the monthly installment for your Mat's Gilera cause his NS pay is not enough.
6) Love is hearing your boyfriend butcher an Aerosmith song during a wedding and still acknowledging that you are with him afterwards.
7) Love is listening to her complain about her work for two hours and nodding your head like you actually give a shit.
8) Love is getting laid even after buying for her a fake Louis Vuitton bag.
9) Love is seeing the blood stain on your bed sheet on her "heavy flow" day and not freak out about it. At all.
10) Love is going with her to a Justin Beiber concert and wearing matching "I'm a Beleiber" t-shirt.
11) Love is seeing her non-existent breasts, cupping them with your...thumb and saying, "You're beautiful baby."
12) Love is trying hard to not shout, "As if you're a Victoria Secret's Angel!" when she asks you to work out and look like "one of them Abercrombie and Fitch boys".
13) Love is foregoing your football match with the boys to accompany her to pick and buy a scented candle...for her toilet.
14) Love is swallowing your pride and ego when you open up your pants and she goes, "Awwww? So cute!"
15) Love is going to a soccer match at the stadium...and bringing her along.
16) Love is talking to her for another hour or so after you already came.
17) Love is using up half of your NS pay to buy for her first row seats at the Big Bang concert.
18) Love is buying for her a silk sari and then have her throw it in your face saying she wanted a cotton one instead and still not setting her up on fire.
19) Love is buying for her Kotex, maxi with wings, publicly in Cold Storage, no questions asked.
20) Love is buying for him the latest Diablo game and not complaining one single bit days afterwards.
21) Love is keeping all the movie stubs you've both watched together as a couple and not use it for blackmail later on in the relationship.
22) Love is having a joint bank account, before marriage.
23) Love is sitting in the passenger seat as she drives and keeping your mouth absolutely shut throughout the entire destination.
24) Love is seeing the toiler cover flipped open and not screaming.
25) Love is telling your parents that you're forking our 3/4 of the wedding expenses because he's between jobs.
2) Love is seeing your boyfriend wearing bermudas and Crocs to Orchard Road and not fucking him upside down there and then.
3) Love is saying"It's gorgeous" when your boyfriend presents you a crummy ring.
4) Love is asking your girlfriend "Where else you want to shop at baby?" after waiting for her to shop for 3 hours in front of Tangs.
5) Love is paying the monthly installment for your Mat's Gilera cause his NS pay is not enough.
6) Love is hearing your boyfriend butcher an Aerosmith song during a wedding and still acknowledging that you are with him afterwards.
7) Love is listening to her complain about her work for two hours and nodding your head like you actually give a shit.
8) Love is getting laid even after buying for her a fake Louis Vuitton bag.
9) Love is seeing the blood stain on your bed sheet on her "heavy flow" day and not freak out about it. At all.
10) Love is going with her to a Justin Beiber concert and wearing matching "I'm a Beleiber" t-shirt.
11) Love is seeing her non-existent breasts, cupping them with your...thumb and saying, "You're beautiful baby."
12) Love is trying hard to not shout, "As if you're a Victoria Secret's Angel!" when she asks you to work out and look like "one of them Abercrombie and Fitch boys".
13) Love is foregoing your football match with the boys to accompany her to pick and buy a scented candle...for her toilet.
14) Love is swallowing your pride and ego when you open up your pants and she goes, "Awwww? So cute!"
15) Love is going to a soccer match at the stadium...and bringing her along.
16) Love is talking to her for another hour or so after you already came.
17) Love is using up half of your NS pay to buy for her first row seats at the Big Bang concert.
18) Love is buying for her a silk sari and then have her throw it in your face saying she wanted a cotton one instead and still not setting her up on fire.
19) Love is buying for her Kotex, maxi with wings, publicly in Cold Storage, no questions asked.
20) Love is buying for him the latest Diablo game and not complaining one single bit days afterwards.
21) Love is keeping all the movie stubs you've both watched together as a couple and not use it for blackmail later on in the relationship.
22) Love is having a joint bank account, before marriage.
23) Love is sitting in the passenger seat as she drives and keeping your mouth absolutely shut throughout the entire destination.
24) Love is seeing the toiler cover flipped open and not screaming.
25) Love is telling your parents that you're forking our 3/4 of the wedding expenses because he's between jobs.
Hazy Moments
Whenever I smell smoke in the air, it could only mean two things: Chinese Ghost Festival or The Haze. And considering that it's only June, the only deduction that I can make is that out Indonesian neighbours are having a ball of a time burning their rain forests.
Looking at the foggy, thick haze out of my window, I made a mental note to myself to NOT tell some loner in my friend's list to "go out and smell the roses, soak up the freshness of the air outside".
I mean have you seen the condition outside? We look like a post apocalyptic nation. Here's hoping that the Singapore Eye increases it's speed and acts as a giant fan to blow all the haze away. Being bankrupt doesn't mean you get to be useless.
So the health authorities have advised us all to be more cautious when walking outside, and to use a mask if need be. I think it's a brilliant idea. Between the smoke in the air and the stench of some people in public transports, it's probably a good call on your part to wear a mask. For cheap ass Singaporeans, your mum's bra would do just fine.
They also advised us to drink more water because you know, that's the first thing to do in any situations: drink more water. I personally feel that "drinking more water" is such an overrated and overused piece of health/medical advice.
It's like the go to advice for any medical problems.
Heat rash? Drink more water.
Breakouts? Drink more water.
Heartburn? Drink more water.
Seizures? Drink more water.
Cancer? Drink more water.
Stroke? Drink more water.
Husband beat you up? Drink more water.
I'm kidding. Drinking more water in fact is a ver good way to keep your health in check. Especially in this weather. So please go, go drink more water. All it gave me was bloatedness.
Anyways yesterday I met up with the three stooges and star arrived with a mask on her face, like a good citizen that she is.
"Bbbbbuuuu thissss keeewing me," She mumbled from behind her face mask.
"You're indoors and about to have dinner. Take out your damn mask and stop being a fucking annoying piece of shit. It's hazy here for us too," I sternly said. The haze, as you can see, is also making me a grumpy person.
"I said the haze is killing me," Star rolled her eyes.
"Much better. You look less like a fool talking without your mask on," I smiled.
She threw a paper napkin at my face.
"It's like 1998 all over again," Steve said.
"My throat is killing me and I have not even gone down on anybody yet," Melanie sighed.
"Ohmygod remember that time when you got a nasty throat infection after giving a blow job to that Russian dude?" Star laughed.
"Wow, I don't think that's even remotely funny, let alone worthy of a topic to be discussed on the dinner table," I said.
"They should invent a wash for dicks. Vagisil for men. Cause gurl, I ain't having another throat infection from giving head. They can call it Dickisil or Penisil," Melanie loudly bemoaned.
"I thought we were talking about the haze? How did we end up talking about vaginal wash?" Steve looked up from his menu, amused.
"All I know is that I am never going out again in this weather. The air purifier at home needs my outmost sympathy. It's been on overtime these past couple of days," Star said, keeping her mask inside her bag.
"Does this mean that your slutty alter ego is on an indefinite break?" I asked Melanie.
Star and Steve laughed.
"My throat is in pain but my hands and man-made vagina is still working, haze or no haze," Melanie snapped her fingers.
Wow.
P/S: Please take care of yourself peaches in this haze. Remember, DRINK MORE WATER.
Looking at the foggy, thick haze out of my window, I made a mental note to myself to NOT tell some loner in my friend's list to "go out and smell the roses, soak up the freshness of the air outside".
I mean have you seen the condition outside? We look like a post apocalyptic nation. Here's hoping that the Singapore Eye increases it's speed and acts as a giant fan to blow all the haze away. Being bankrupt doesn't mean you get to be useless.
So the health authorities have advised us all to be more cautious when walking outside, and to use a mask if need be. I think it's a brilliant idea. Between the smoke in the air and the stench of some people in public transports, it's probably a good call on your part to wear a mask. For cheap ass Singaporeans, your mum's bra would do just fine.
They also advised us to drink more water because you know, that's the first thing to do in any situations: drink more water. I personally feel that "drinking more water" is such an overrated and overused piece of health/medical advice.
It's like the go to advice for any medical problems.
Heat rash? Drink more water.
Breakouts? Drink more water.
Heartburn? Drink more water.
Seizures? Drink more water.
Cancer? Drink more water.
Stroke? Drink more water.
Husband beat you up? Drink more water.
I'm kidding. Drinking more water in fact is a ver good way to keep your health in check. Especially in this weather. So please go, go drink more water. All it gave me was bloatedness.
Anyways yesterday I met up with the three stooges and star arrived with a mask on her face, like a good citizen that she is.
"Bbbbbuuuu thissss keeewing me," She mumbled from behind her face mask.
"You're indoors and about to have dinner. Take out your damn mask and stop being a fucking annoying piece of shit. It's hazy here for us too," I sternly said. The haze, as you can see, is also making me a grumpy person.
"I said the haze is killing me," Star rolled her eyes.
"Much better. You look less like a fool talking without your mask on," I smiled.
She threw a paper napkin at my face.
"It's like 1998 all over again," Steve said.
"My throat is killing me and I have not even gone down on anybody yet," Melanie sighed.
"Ohmygod remember that time when you got a nasty throat infection after giving a blow job to that Russian dude?" Star laughed.
"Wow, I don't think that's even remotely funny, let alone worthy of a topic to be discussed on the dinner table," I said.
"They should invent a wash for dicks. Vagisil for men. Cause gurl, I ain't having another throat infection from giving head. They can call it Dickisil or Penisil," Melanie loudly bemoaned.
"I thought we were talking about the haze? How did we end up talking about vaginal wash?" Steve looked up from his menu, amused.
"All I know is that I am never going out again in this weather. The air purifier at home needs my outmost sympathy. It's been on overtime these past couple of days," Star said, keeping her mask inside her bag.
"Does this mean that your slutty alter ego is on an indefinite break?" I asked Melanie.
Star and Steve laughed.
"My throat is in pain but my hands and man-made vagina is still working, haze or no haze," Melanie snapped her fingers.
Wow.
P/S: Please take care of yourself peaches in this haze. Remember, DRINK MORE WATER.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Jiggly(big)puff.
The brassiere should be every girl's best friend. Not diamonds. A bra gives you support where it matters the most and a bra gets half of the job done when trying to pick up men in a club.
Woe is a flat chested woman.
Where was I? Yes, the bra. It is singlehandedly (after pads and tampons) the most important accessory that a woman can have. You can leave your house without panties on (it drives men crazy) but to leave your house without a bra. Bra-sphemous. A bra can make you go from drab to fab in just a matter of seconds.
So it was a very big surprise when Star (who is a full 36C) came to meet us one evening for dinner without any bra on.
"You look like you have two pairs of knees," I laughed upon meeting her.
"Moo!" Steve continued.
"I'm not going to say anything. I've got fake tits, they don't drop," Melanie said, trying to stifle their laughter.
"I will tit slap all of you," Star rolled her eyes.
Turns out, Star has a rash on the inside of her left breast and is advised by her doctor to not wear any bra at the moment so as to let the rashes heal and not to aggravate it further.
"So you have not been wearing any bra to work for the past two days?" Steve asked.
"It's dreadful. I have been wearing a lot of scarves these few days I feel like Andre Leon Talley. I am this close to being called The Scarved Lady. It's awful. I miss my push up bra!" Star sulked.
She was leaning forward and resting her breasts on the table. Steve kept putting cutleries on top of her breasts to balance for his own amusement. Star snatched one of the forks and poked him.
This is why I love my friends. They're retarded.
A couple of minutes later, the waiter came to our table with our food. Late teens, pimple, Greg was his name. Soft spoken and as expected he couldn't take his eyes off Star's ample bosom taking a rest on the table.
Star saw this and in true Star style, she sweetly asked Greg, "Are you looking at my breasts Greg?"
We all broke out in laughter, Greg's face getting redder.
"Ummm...no, sorry," he stuttered, obviously shaken.
"Why are you scared? I'm not angry," Star smiled.
"Slut!" I coughed out, audibly.
After dinner, I brought the three stooges back to my place as they have no plans afterwards.
When I opened the door, my mum came out of her room and hugged all the three of them.
She stopped before hugging Star and asked, "Did you get a double mastectomy like Angelina Jolie or what? Where are your..oh there they are!"
My mum started jiggling Star's breasts and laughed. Just then my brother came out of his room and when he saw what my mum was doing, he screamed, "Oi!!"
Welcome to my life.
Woe is a flat chested woman.
Where was I? Yes, the bra. It is singlehandedly (after pads and tampons) the most important accessory that a woman can have. You can leave your house without panties on (it drives men crazy) but to leave your house without a bra. Bra-sphemous. A bra can make you go from drab to fab in just a matter of seconds.
So it was a very big surprise when Star (who is a full 36C) came to meet us one evening for dinner without any bra on.
"You look like you have two pairs of knees," I laughed upon meeting her.
"Moo!" Steve continued.
"I'm not going to say anything. I've got fake tits, they don't drop," Melanie said, trying to stifle their laughter.
"I will tit slap all of you," Star rolled her eyes.
Turns out, Star has a rash on the inside of her left breast and is advised by her doctor to not wear any bra at the moment so as to let the rashes heal and not to aggravate it further.
"So you have not been wearing any bra to work for the past two days?" Steve asked.
"It's dreadful. I have been wearing a lot of scarves these few days I feel like Andre Leon Talley. I am this close to being called The Scarved Lady. It's awful. I miss my push up bra!" Star sulked.
She was leaning forward and resting her breasts on the table. Steve kept putting cutleries on top of her breasts to balance for his own amusement. Star snatched one of the forks and poked him.
This is why I love my friends. They're retarded.
A couple of minutes later, the waiter came to our table with our food. Late teens, pimple, Greg was his name. Soft spoken and as expected he couldn't take his eyes off Star's ample bosom taking a rest on the table.
Star saw this and in true Star style, she sweetly asked Greg, "Are you looking at my breasts Greg?"
We all broke out in laughter, Greg's face getting redder.
"Ummm...no, sorry," he stuttered, obviously shaken.
"Why are you scared? I'm not angry," Star smiled.
"Slut!" I coughed out, audibly.
After dinner, I brought the three stooges back to my place as they have no plans afterwards.
When I opened the door, my mum came out of her room and hugged all the three of them.
She stopped before hugging Star and asked, "Did you get a double mastectomy like Angelina Jolie or what? Where are your..oh there they are!"
My mum started jiggling Star's breasts and laughed. Just then my brother came out of his room and when he saw what my mum was doing, he screamed, "Oi!!"
Welcome to my life.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Basic Human Need
We are lucky that in this country, drinkable water is just a tap away. Granted, half of the time it is recycled waste water (oh, remember the jokes made by a politician across the causeway?) but the bottom line is, Singaporeans have drinkable clean water running through their taps 24/7.
And boy do we take it for granted.
We are so used to having access to drinkable water at the snap of our fingers that we don't accustom ourselves to situations when the access of clean drinking water is compromised. Like yesterday.
After getting my haircut at the salon that Melanie works at, I waited for her to finish her shift before going for dinner together. We shall not disclose the name of the restaurant as it is the very spine of my rant today.
So we were at this restaurant, famished and were seated down; our orders promptly taken. After ordering, Melanie politely asked, "May I have a glass of iced water?"
"Sorry ma'am, we don't serve iced water," the young waitress replied.
"Oh that's fine, normal tap water would do," Melanie smiled, not sensing anything fishy.
"Sorry ma'am we cannot serve free iced or tap water. if you want plain water, you can order a small bottle of Evian for $4.90," the waitress (Anne on her nametag) sweetly smiled.
There was five seconds of sheer, incomprehensible silent of tension.
I massaged my temples because I know what is going to happen next. Anything but good.
"Are you saying that I have to pay five bucks to drink a glass of plain water?" Melanie asked softly.
"Yes, I'm so sorry ma'am," Anne replied, her face looking slightly terrified all of a sudden.
"That's fine then," Melanie said. And off the waitress went.
"You look tense, here have a glass of water. Oh wait, there isn't any," I laughed.
"Is it just me or do you find this whole water ban ridiculous?" Melanie seethed.
"It is. Or maybe they are just trying to save cost?" I reasoned.
"Get me a big bottle of Evian from 7-11 downstairs. It costs much lesser than a pathetic 250ml of bottled Evian here," Melanie pleaded.
"Are you serious?" I asked.
"I have been cutting hair all day long. I practically have a hairball in my throat right now, please," she whispered urgently.
And so I went to the 7-11 two storeys down. 5 minutes later, I carried the 7-11 plastic bag into the restaurant, big bottled of chilled Evian water inside.
Melanie quickly grabbed the bottle away from my hand and started guzzling down the chilled water.
Suddenly, without warning Anne came to our table and urgently said to Melanie, "Sorry, no outside food and drinks allowed!"
Oh. Fucking. Yes.
"YOU WON'T GIVE ME WATER FROM THE FUCKING TAP AND I CANNOT EVEN DRINK MY OWN WATER?! WATER IS A BASIC HUMAN NEED BITCH!"
We had our dinner elsewhere. I am not going to bail out a tranny from a police station. Not ready for it just yet.
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