Monday, May 20, 2013

Jiggly(big)puff.

The brassiere should be every girl's best friend. Not diamonds. A bra gives you support where it matters the most and a bra gets half of the job done when trying to pick up men in a club.

Woe is a flat chested woman.

Where was I? Yes, the bra. It is singlehandedly (after pads and tampons) the most important accessory that a woman can have. You can leave your house without panties on (it drives men crazy) but to leave your house without a bra. Bra-sphemous. A bra can make you go from drab to fab in just a matter of seconds.

So it was a very big surprise when Star (who is a full 36C) came to meet us one evening for dinner without any bra on.

"You look like you have two pairs of knees," I laughed upon meeting her.

"Moo!" Steve continued.

"I'm not going to say anything. I've got fake tits, they don't drop," Melanie said, trying to stifle their laughter.

"I will tit slap all of you," Star rolled her eyes.

Turns out, Star has a rash on the inside of her left breast and is advised by her doctor to not wear any bra at the moment so as to let the rashes heal and not to aggravate it further.

"So you have not been wearing any bra to work for the past two days?" Steve asked.

"It's dreadful. I have been wearing a lot of scarves these few days I feel like Andre Leon Talley. I am this close to being called The Scarved Lady. It's awful. I miss my push up bra!" Star sulked.

She was leaning forward and resting her breasts on the table. Steve kept putting cutleries on top of her breasts to balance for his own amusement. Star snatched one of the forks and poked him.

This is why I love my friends. They're retarded.

A couple of minutes later, the waiter came to our table with our food. Late teens, pimple, Greg was his name. Soft spoken and as expected he couldn't take his eyes off Star's ample bosom taking a rest on the table.

Star saw this and in true Star style, she sweetly asked Greg, "Are you looking at my breasts Greg?"

We all broke out in laughter, Greg's face getting redder.

"Ummm...no, sorry," he stuttered, obviously shaken.

"Why are you scared? I'm not angry," Star smiled.

"Slut!" I coughed out, audibly.

After dinner, I brought the three stooges back to my place as they have no plans afterwards.

When I opened the door, my mum came out of her room and hugged all the three of them.

She stopped before hugging Star and asked, "Did you get a double mastectomy like Angelina Jolie or what? Where are your..oh there they are!"

My mum started jiggling Star's breasts and laughed. Just then my brother came out of his room and when he saw what my mum was doing, he screamed, "Oi!!"

Welcome to my life.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Basic Human Need

We are lucky that in this country, drinkable water is just a tap away. Granted, half of the time it is recycled waste water (oh, remember the jokes made by a politician across the causeway?) but the bottom line is, Singaporeans have drinkable clean water running through their taps 24/7.

And boy do we take it for granted.

We are so used to having access to drinkable water at the snap of our fingers that we don't accustom ourselves to situations when the access of clean drinking water is compromised. Like yesterday.

After getting my haircut at the salon that Melanie works at, I waited for her to finish her shift before going for dinner together. We shall not disclose the name of the restaurant as it is the very spine of my rant today.

So we were at this restaurant, famished and were seated down; our orders promptly taken. After ordering, Melanie politely asked, "May I have a glass of iced water?"

"Sorry ma'am, we don't serve iced water," the young waitress replied.

"Oh that's fine, normal tap water would do," Melanie smiled, not sensing anything fishy.

"Sorry ma'am we cannot serve free iced or tap water. if you want plain water, you can order a small bottle of Evian for $4.90," the waitress (Anne on her nametag) sweetly smiled.

There was five seconds of sheer, incomprehensible silent of tension.

I massaged my temples because I know what is going to happen next. Anything but good.

"Are you saying that I have to pay five bucks to drink a glass of plain water?" Melanie asked softly.

"Yes, I'm so sorry ma'am," Anne replied, her face looking slightly terrified all of a sudden.

"That's fine then," Melanie said. And off the waitress went.

"You look tense, here have a glass of water. Oh wait, there isn't any," I laughed.

"Is it just me or do you find this whole water ban ridiculous?" Melanie seethed.

"It is. Or maybe they are just trying to save cost?" I reasoned.

"Get me a big bottle of Evian from 7-11 downstairs. It costs much lesser than a pathetic 250ml of bottled Evian here," Melanie pleaded.

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"I have been cutting hair all day long. I practically have a hairball in my throat right now, please," she whispered urgently.

And so I went to the 7-11 two storeys down. 5 minutes later, I carried the 7-11 plastic bag into the restaurant, big bottled of chilled Evian water inside.

Melanie quickly grabbed the bottle away from my hand and started guzzling down the chilled water.

Suddenly, without warning Anne came to our table and urgently said to Melanie, "Sorry, no outside food and drinks allowed!"

Oh. Fucking. Yes.

"YOU WON'T GIVE ME WATER FROM THE FUCKING TAP AND I CANNOT EVEN DRINK MY OWN WATER?! WATER IS A BASIC HUMAN NEED BITCH!"

We had our dinner elsewhere. I am not going to bail out a tranny from a police station. Not ready for it just yet.