Because let's face it, my mum needs a show on her own.
1) We were at Metro and at the bra section, she asked the flat chested girl manning the counter, "Which one you tried is the best?"
2) After purchasing, she walked out with me and whispered, "I bet she uses a lot of tissue paper in her lifetime just filling her bra back in school."
3) Once we were at a wedding and when she saw the bride: "The makeup artist hated her, she looks like an extra in a zombie flick."
4) "I don't want grandchildren, I want a Birkin."
5) My mum was describing to me her first period and she said, "It was more painful than childbirth. At least during childbirth you can opt for an epidural."
6) Upon seeing a girl wearing a really short miniskirt, "Her stomach is going to get bloated from all the wind coming in between her thighs."
7) When finding out that Kim Kardashian is half Armenian: "That sounds dirty. No wonder she is a total whore."
8) She was visiting her childhood friend's house when she texted me, "Her house is so filthy I can just die from inhaling the air in here."
9) I asked her if she would ever reconcile with my father. She said, "Eeeuw."
10) "There should be a law against people who don't bathe in the morning. You know how cars go through that room filled with soap and giant brushes? They should install one at every ez-link gantry."
11) "I have no idea why your cousin _____ even bother to wear makeup. No amount of makeup can conceal that ugly face."
12) "One day Beyonce is going to break her spine from all that dancing."
13) When asked if she would ever go for plastic surgery: "Ask your cousin ______."
14) "Do you think if your father stayed married to me for one more year he would have checked into a mental institution?"
15) I bought for her a new perfume from Elie Saab and she said, "This is how virgin girls should smell like."
16) "Stop telling people that you get your snarky bone from me! I am nice!"
17) Once she was arguing with my neighbour and she shouted, "I am THIS close to releasing an army of Pontianaks in your house!"
18) She was hanging the laundry and she shouted from across the corridor, "Whose peach lacy thong does this belong to?! Oh sorry, it's mine!"
19) "Please don't believe in this whole love crap."
20) On the way to the clinic because of her migraine, "In case I die, please do not give any of my branded bags to your step mother or I will personally come out of the grave and kill both you and your brother."
21) "Sometimes I am so angry for being middle class. Upper class people don't have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to the market and argue with the butcher."
22) When asked if she would ever consider marrying again: "Eeeuw."
23) We were watching a Bollywood movie song and dance sequence and she said, "Where is all that wind coming from?"
24) "Please don't wear that shirt Harold. You look like a gay pimp."
25) "Why are people so stupid?"