Whenever I smell smoke in the air, it could only mean two things: Chinese Ghost Festival or The Haze. And considering that it's only June, the only deduction that I can make is that out Indonesian neighbours are having a ball of a time burning their rain forests.
Looking at the foggy, thick haze out of my window, I made a mental note to myself to NOT tell some loner in my friend's list to "go out and smell the roses, soak up the freshness of the air outside".
I mean have you seen the condition outside? We look like a post apocalyptic nation. Here's hoping that the Singapore Eye increases it's speed and acts as a giant fan to blow all the haze away. Being bankrupt doesn't mean you get to be useless.
So the health authorities have advised us all to be more cautious when walking outside, and to use a mask if need be. I think it's a brilliant idea. Between the smoke in the air and the stench of some people in public transports, it's probably a good call on your part to wear a mask. For cheap ass Singaporeans, your mum's bra would do just fine.
They also advised us to drink more water because you know, that's the first thing to do in any situations: drink more water. I personally feel that "drinking more water" is such an overrated and overused piece of health/medical advice.
It's like the go to advice for any medical problems.
Heat rash? Drink more water.
Breakouts? Drink more water.
Heartburn? Drink more water.
Seizures? Drink more water.
Cancer? Drink more water.
Stroke? Drink more water.
Husband beat you up? Drink more water.
I'm kidding. Drinking more water in fact is a ver good way to keep your health in check. Especially in this weather. So please go, go drink more water. All it gave me was bloatedness.
Anyways yesterday I met up with the three stooges and star arrived with a mask on her face, like a good citizen that she is.
"Bbbbbuuuu thissss keeewing me," She mumbled from behind her face mask.
"You're indoors and about to have dinner. Take out your damn mask and stop being a fucking annoying piece of shit. It's hazy here for us too," I sternly said. The haze, as you can see, is also making me a grumpy person.
"I said the haze is killing me," Star rolled her eyes.
"Much better. You look less like a fool talking without your mask on," I smiled.
She threw a paper napkin at my face.
"It's like 1998 all over again," Steve said.
"My throat is killing me and I have not even gone down on anybody yet," Melanie sighed.
"Ohmygod remember that time when you got a nasty throat infection after giving a blow job to that Russian dude?" Star laughed.
"Wow, I don't think that's even remotely funny, let alone worthy of a topic to be discussed on the dinner table," I said.
"They should invent a wash for dicks. Vagisil for men. Cause gurl, I ain't having another throat infection from giving head. They can call it Dickisil or Penisil," Melanie loudly bemoaned.
"I thought we were talking about the haze? How did we end up talking about vaginal wash?" Steve looked up from his menu, amused.
"All I know is that I am never going out again in this weather. The air purifier at home needs my outmost sympathy. It's been on overtime these past couple of days," Star said, keeping her mask inside her bag.
"Does this mean that your slutty alter ego is on an indefinite break?" I asked Melanie.
Star and Steve laughed.
"My throat is in pain but my hands and man-made vagina is still working, haze or no haze," Melanie snapped her fingers.
P/S: Please take care of yourself peaches in this haze. Remember, DRINK MORE WATER.