Thursday, December 11, 2014

School For Mothers

I stumbled upon this textbook: How To Be An Effective Working Class Malay Mother. Apparently all our mothers come from this school. Here are the Ten Golden Rules.

1. Threat your kids with death

"Aku terjun baru korang tahu! Bila aku dah mampos baru korang tahu nasib korang!"

2. Compare your kids with other over achieving kids

"Kau tengok anak Cik Timah, semua baik jadinya! Mana yang tak tinggal sembahyang, mana yang pergi universiti. Sejuk perut si Timah tu. Ntahlah, anak-anak aku susah lah, tak boleh jadi macam diorang."

3. Ask for an extravagant amount of money from your kids.

"Jangan bohong dengan aku! Hah, kerja overtime aku tengok hari-hari, buang duit dengan orang tua susah!"

4. Scold your kid's friends who sneak into your house when you're not in.

"Ah bagos!! Masuk satu-satu macam pencuri! Berambus pun macam pencuri!!"

5. Use "Kau nak jadi setan?!" at least once a day.

"Kau maghgrib-maghgrib tak tahu nak balik eh!? Kau nak jadi setan?! Ah bagus, bawak anak dara mana ntah balik rumah. Kau nak jadi setan?! Yer, subur-subur semua masih membuta. Kau nak jadi setan?!"

6. Sad, sacrificial stories. Use your tears.

"Aku selama ni korban, tangan jadi kaki, kaki jadi tangan besarkan korang tapi satu anak pun tak kesiankan aku. Sob. Dari kecik aku bela sampai dah besar panjang. Sob. Ni balasan korang kat aku? Sob, sob, sob.

7. When your kid turns 21, every day, you must ask them about marriage.

"Bila aku nak timang cucu? Bila kau nak kahwin? Kau takda kawan ker? Bila nak bawak kawan kau balik rumah?"

8. And when they bring their gf/bf home, criticise.

"Betina/jantan apa kau bawak balik? Pakai tak senonoh, dengan orang tua tak tahu salaman, bagus lah, jantan/betina gini kau nak jadikan bini/laki?!"

9. If you have a son, always threat that his future wife will never be like you. If you have a daughter, threat that she will never be like you.

"Nanti kau kahwin bini pengotor, baru ah kau tahu langit dengan bumi. Situ tempat tido, situ tempat main, situ jugaklah dia menyerakkan."

Or.

"Kau memang tak boleh pembersih macam aku. Buat kerja rumah punya pemalas, masak, haram! Nanti kau dah kahwin, kasi laki kau cekik Maggi hari-hari!"

10. Nag. Nag about everything. Minimum is two hours. Great mothers nag throughout the night and continue till next morning.

I don't have enough space to type the nagging. Go figure.

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