Wednesday, September 26, 2012

At Your Cervix

My favourite comedienne is Joan Rivers and she has famously joked in many of her stand up routine about bravery and the trip to the gynecologist:

"I'll tell you what bravery is. You give a man a helmet and a gun, that is not bravery. You give a man a bazooka and a tank, that is not bravery. I shall tell you what bravery really is. Bravery is every single woman in this theatre who makes an appointment with their gynecologist, AND TO SHOW UP! That's bravery!"

"It's true though. Going to the gynecologist is one of the most mortifying things you can ever imagine a woman going through," Star said during one of our lunches last week.

"Why do you go to the gynecologist? To check if one of the men you slept with left his watch inside your vagina? Haha!" Melanie joked.

"You have no idea what a NATURAL vagina can store Mel," Star snapped, obviously taking a dig at Melanie's man made lady bits. Full of puns, that is Star for you. Melanie showed Star her middle finger. "I can take that in too. Make that five!" Star smiled, sarcastically.

"Girls, stop. We are in a restaurant. People are judging you. You're not in a whorehouse", I hushed them. Melanie smiled sheepishly and told me that it was the first time I called her "girl" and she flicked her hair and adjusted her dress and softly said, "Yes Star my love, you were saying something? Hmm?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Where was I? Yes. Every single time without fail, my gynecologist would always raise his voice in frustration at me going, 'Relax! Relax!'. I am lying on my back. My legs are up on the stirrups. My vagina is in his face, the door is opening in and out and you expect my vagina to relax?! My vagina is in shock!"

At this point of time a couple of middled aged women sitting on the table beside ours started staring at the three of us. I'm looking down and I'm praying fervently that the floor would open and take me in there and then. Oh, but that's not the worse thing that came out of her mouth. Star continued, "I mean, I barely know my gynecologist and he is asking my vagina to relax? Hell no. I mean, I sleep with random strangers like a dirty slut that I am but usually alcohol is involved. My gynecologist is not even cute. This scraggly old man, I wonder what his wife thinks of him and his profession, staring, talking and probing at pussies all day long", Star said, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

"Why didn't you request for a female gynecologist then? I wouldn't feel comfortable if my gynecologist is of the opposite sex. It feels...intrusive." Melanie griped.

"Opposite sex, Mel? Wow, you're absolutely confusing me now with the gender irony", I joked. She took my bread knife and pointed it towards me, silently mouthing, "Shut...up."

"No I feel like male gynecologists are more gentle to your privates", Star explained. "I think with female gynecologists, because they know how much we can take in, they become this vicious and vile pussy explorers. The female gynecologist before this literally fisted me at every single visit. I feel like one of those Japanese schoolgirl porn actresses squealing in pain, except this time, the pain is real!" Star sighed loudly.

One of the ladies sitting beside us gasped in shock and I don't know what came over me but I started laughing uncontrollably. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and Star kept ribbing me to stop. "Harry stop! You're embarrassing me!" Melanie just got up from the table and said, "I need to go to the ladies. I don't know how many times I have to handle this...thing with the both of you. How can a conversation about Joan Rivers end up be about fisting?"

Star texted me later that night asking whether Melanie really did go to the ladies after that or she just chucked herself quietly in the disabled toilet, a habit she inculcated during the transformative years from being Melvin to Melanie. I texted Star saying it's the least of her concerns. Choosing the gender of her gynecologist is. And one that doesn't fist.

Star texted back: "Ur a sick fuck. Nights."

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