Tuesday, September 25, 2012

An Open Letter

Dear Singaporean Smellies,

I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. I can't go inside an MRT cabin at any given time of the day and be assaulted by your offensive body odour. It is so offensive, inhalant abusers are looking at you and going, "Damn, you smell."

I don't get it. In what parallel universe do you come from where it is impossible for you to buy a cheap deodorant to wear every morning before going to work? Screw perfume, a bath maybe? Why would you be seen outside smelling of garbage? I am asking a lot of questions because I am baffled, baffled beyond comprehension. I took a short trip to Cold Storage across the road and in a state of utter helplessness, I started counting the different brands of deodorants that are available in the market.

47. There are 47 different brands of deodorants out there in the market. 40 fucking 7. There is an entire section for it called Personal Care. You won't miss it. It's usually right after the aisles selling cat food and kitchen wipes. You're telling me that for every single time you make a trip to Cold Storage, you just waltz by the Personal Care aisle and not get something for yourself to use every morning? 

And there are those of you who totally skip the bathing routine altogether. I stand next to you and I can see a pillow mark on your dirty face and yet I STILL have to inhale the scent of yesterday's drool on you. What did I do to deserve this kind of fuckery? Why would anyone in the right mind skip bathing in the first place? The government has spent millions of dollars converting shit water into drinkable, bathing worthy water and you decided to be a real asshole by smelling like shit and not utilize the breakthrough technology? Well shame on you. They should reverse osmosis you instead and maybe, just maybe, after it all we would get a cleaner, fresher version of yourself.

It is a pandemic. Foreign workers doing hard labour, I forgive them. They have been in the sun for far too long and the smell that comes with it is with reasoning. You, in that executive wear, sitting in an air conditioned office the entire day, and you smell like the insides of Kim Kardashian's pussy, what's up with that? And it's only 8 am in the morning. You have yet to reach work! This is beyond me! How do you get laid with that smell? What kind of animals are you attracting with that beastly scent?

I am reminding you again, 47 different brands and scents. You can play Pick The Deodorant game for all I care. But the next time you walk down the aisle, you HAVE to pick one of it and remember to wear it ever morning AFTER you shower. I can't stress personal hygiene enough. If I am a politician, I will, oh hell if I am a politician, I will charge you with treason and have you deported. And we will see which country will accept an executive who has never gotten laid nor is productive at work and has a scent similar to a dead rat. China probably. And they eat rats there. Hah!

Warmest Regards

1 comment:

  1. Im always offended and appalled on how some smelly people treat my nose like it deserves to die. selfish people. -shakes head-