Do you have that one friend who is bitchy as hell and doesn't keep her bitchy comments inside her head but chooses to offend everyone around them instead?
Well I have two.
See, Star has this pet peeve about men carrying their girlfriend's handbags. "Why would I spend three thousand bucks on a Celine tote and make my boyfriend carry it around with him? I don't want people to think that I have an anal astronaut as a boyfriend!" Star would always rationalize. Just now during lunch, as she was busy scrolling through her Instagram, our peaceful (and this rarely happens) lunch was suddenly interrupted by a shrilly "Eeeuw!"
"Did someone post a picture of his penis Star?" Melanie asked casually.
"Worse! Look at this!" Star said, showing the picture on her phone to Melanie and myself. It was a picture by "Cla@ire" and it was a picture of this beefy man carrying about fifteen paper bags and a shocking pink Balenciaga bag. The caption read:
"My strong baby! <3 So sweet of him to carry everything. See, even my handbag! Sharing of "burden", he says. Awww. I love my boyfie!"
"Fucking hell. If he is so keen on sharing her burden, why don't he wear her sanitary pads too when she is having her menses?" Melanie retorted.
"Right?!" Star exclaimed, eyes widening. "I don't understand women who insists on their boyfriend carrying their hand bags for them. I mean if its shopping bags, fair enough, what is the use of having a man around if he cannot do the heavy duty. But this is a shocking pink Balenciaga. It is an accessory, an extension of what we women wear. And for fuck's sake, it's not even unisex looking. That is not romantic bitch. Disgusting. And look at that smug smile on his face, like he is some knight in shining armour!" Star recoiled with a pained expression on her face.
"A knight in shining armour, with a shocking pink Balenciaga shield", I added.
"I want to snatch the bag and use it to beat the crap out of his face", Melanie muttered under her breath.
"And you all know how Claire is such a fucking showoff. You should see her Facebook. Oh my boyfriend this, my boyfriend that. Oh my boyfriend picked me up at work today, how thoughtful. Oh my boyfriend took me out for dinner, how sweet of him. Bla, bla, bla. She sure does talk a lot for someone who doesn't have any tits!" Star huffed, exasperated.
"What has the size of her boobs got to do with her being annoying?" I asked.
"Oh I don't know Harry! She is just annoying, and back in school she used to stuff her bra with tissue paper. I don't even know why she needs a bra in the first place. She was and still is flat chested. Back then we used to call he Plankie."
"That is so...random Star", Melanie laughed. I asked Star why does she follow Claire on Instagram and Facebook then if she is so annoying.
"It's a girl thing Harry", Melanie replied.
"Oh and you would know Mel? You grew up playing basketball and wrestling with other boys", I teased. To which Melanie replied, "Don't make me force you to carry my Chloé Marcie in bright orange. You know in Malaysia what they say about men who carry ladies handbags right? And I don't use to wrestle. I just grope. And. Fuck you."
Across me Star was busy typing on her iPhone. "What are you typing?" I asked. She showed me her phone. Star commented on the picture:
"Does your boyfriend mind to carry my Celine tote too? I could do with a little help sometimes. He does look like he could work a gorgeous ladies bag. Lol!"