Monday, October 1, 2012

A Starry Problem

My ears are red from a rather charged telephone conversation with Star. See, Star has three biggest pet peeves and today, she was assaulted by her pet peeves one after the other. Here was what went down:

1) Body Odour In Public

Star went out to work early today. She has a habit of changing her clothes to work at the very last minute and that only means that she is late for work every other day. The only reason why she keeps her job is because she sleeps with her manager and no, I'm not shitting you. Star IS that office tramp who gets to keep her job with a tardy working attitude because she gives her manager a blow job every fortnight. Anyway, where was I? Yes, so after much effort, Star managed to get up an hour earlier to get ready for work, so she can "postpone a blow job by a fortnight". Her words, not mine.

"I decided to take the train instead of the bus because SMRT can afford to screw up and they give late excuse letters for us to give to our employers, unlike SBS. So off I went. As usual, by the time it was 7:15 in the morning, the train was packed and I had to squeeze in and stand in my six inch Tributes throughout the half an hour journey, WHICH I didn't mind. It is either I stand for thirty minutes in six inch heels or squat for five minutes in front of a six incher. My choice really and I chose the former. So there I was...Harry stop laughing! So two minutes later, when I was just easing into my stoned mood, entered this dude and god did he smell! I actually muttered "Fuck" under my breath. And you know I don't curse in public."

I rolled my eyes.

"I know you are rolling your eyes, but Harry I never smelt that kind of odour before. It was vile. It was like a cacophony of rat carcass, dried cum, blue cheese and sweaty feet. I swore to god that if he ever stood beside me, I will die. And you know god hates sluts so he CAME AND STOOD BESIDE ME. I was like, "Fuck it, I'm outta here." So I alighted the train and waited for the next one. Bad idea. Nobody gave way at the entrance and I couldn't ease myself in and I was back to square one; late for work. That was pet peeve one. And my day was spoiled."

2) People Who Take Too Long At The ATM

"I remembered that I needed to pay Trish a hundred bucks. She bought for me this slimming tea which didn't work Harry. All I did was shit and fart all day long. I was like this walking Methane chamber. With tits. But you know me, when she asked I was like, "Oh I lost two kilograms in a week!" Truth is I lost two kilograms because I had this amazing workout cum fuck session with this dude which I will tell you some other time. So god damn it I had no change in my wallet. I was already ten minutes late for work but I don't want Trish to give me the dirty look at work. I already told her I was going to pay her for the last four days. I made a detour at the building beside my workplace and there was this lady at the ATM. I was like, "Okay, no queue. Phew." But bitch had other plans. She kept looking at the horizontal mirror, at me and at first I smiled. I don't understand. Why would people spend more than five minutes at the ATM? She spent, and I kid you not, TWENTY minutes at the ATM, paying god knows what bills. She even topped up her ezlink! And all throughout she was looking at me by the mirror like I WAS THE CAUSE OF HER DISTRESS. The fourth time she looked I actually spat, "What?! I'm not going to rob you!" And she was like, "Wait ah, wait ah!"

3) Talking In The Cinema

"Work was shitty. I had to give another blow job. For obvious reasons. And when we were done he was like, "Shall we watch a movie after work?" That slimy bastard. And I said yes. Why? Because a, I have no morals and b, I needed to unwind. It was this new Anne Hathaway movie and I forgot the title, but the point is, we were in this cinema just watching this movie and I was really irritated at the chain of events that happened in the day and I just needed to let Anne's alabaster skin soothe me and this bloody wanker of a manager kept trying to hold my hands in the cinema like I'm his fucking girlfriend. I kept eating my popcorn and I was so upset when it was finished. Now my stomach is bloated and I have to hold his hand. But that's not the worst thing that happened to me that day, oh no. This couple behind me started yapping away loudly. The girl was like, "You know, after this she is going to fall sick. And then right, and then right, and then right." So I turned and stared at her and seethed, "And then I will fucking break your neck and your boyfriend's if you open your mouth and say one more word. My boyfriend here is a black belt in Taekwondo, and he will kick your fucking mouth so bad, you will wish you didn't talk in the first place." The boyfriend was such a pussy and he kept saying, "Sorry, sorry..." But my manager wasn't pleased at all and he totally didn't talk to me on the way back and now I could potentially lose my job and I can only whore out so much so help me Harry!

I put down the phone, switched it off, and started typing this. She just wrote on my FB wall, "YOU COCKSUCKER." This is the same girl who said she never cursed in public. Gotta love Star.

No comments:

Post a Comment