Monday, October 15, 2012

Marry This

The entire morning, my mum was sniffing the wedding invitation card she got from Aunt Sally's eldest son Rick, who is marrying his girlfriend of four years Liz. This is my mum's first wedding invitation of the year and she was very excited, and critical about it. She is sniffing the card harder than a K9 raiding Lindsay Lohan's home.

"This smells so familiar. It smells of Enchanted body talcum, but it also smells of my vaginal wash," my mum said after smelling the wedding invitation card for what seemed like hours.

"Mummy, can you stop being so disgusting?" my brother shook his head.

"What is so disgusting about vaginal hygiene and vaginal wash? You want to lick a lady and taste rotten oysters is it?"

"MUM!!" my brother and I screamed in unison.

"And look, they even have an emblem on the card, like they are royalty of some sort. It's a garden wedding apparently boys, and the dress code is smart casual," my mum continued, scanning the wedding card intently.

I strongly advise everyone who is getting married to be explicit about the dress code on your wedding day, complete with a footnote saying: "Failure to turn up at this wedding in adherence to the dress code will result in, well, you can't attend my wedding." I have seen assholes wearing slippers to attend a wedding. That is firstly, not respecting the bride and groom on their joyous day, and secondly, in what parallel universe do you live in where it is acceptable to look like a homeless person at someone's wedding? Does it hurt to wear a shoe for a couple of hours? And I have seen girls wearing jeans to weddings. Jeans. JEANS.

I don't think a lack of fashion sense is a good enough reason to dress like an asshole at someone's wedding. It is not about being fashionable. It is about being proper and respectful. You wouldn't want someone to wear a two piece bikini to your father's funeral do you? What is so wrong about wearing a shirt and pants combo, even if it is ill fitting? Or a dress/skirt and blouse? Even if the print is like someone's tablecloth in 1978?

"I wonder who their caterer is?" my mum asked.

"Why are you so critical? I thought you and Aunt Sally are very close? Why the sudden bitchiness?" my brother Harold asked back.

"I'm not being bitchy. Hello, I am too old to be bitchy. I am just concerned that's all!"

My brother laughed. My mum stared at him. "What?" my brother asked.

"When are you going to get married?" my mum asked me, eyes still staring at my brother who is not even paying attention to her, reading his comic book.

"Are you asking me?" I answered.

"Duh, you're the eldest."


"Don't you have a girlfriend?" my mum enquired further.



"Can you stop it? I am not going to get married just because your nephew is getting married," I answered, annoyed.

"You haven't been looking for a girlfriend?"

"And where do you suggest I find one?" I asked.

"I don't know. A bar? Or are you interested in that Steve? Melanie told me that he likes you. I don't mind, marry that rich dude, I want all the Pradas that I can get," my mum said.


"Don't you want a garden wedding?" My brother laughed, harder this time. My mum pinched him so hard he fell off the chair.

There are so many things I want to tell her. But I just kept quiet. From the sanctity of marriage becoming a joke to many people, and the amount of money used, I don't know where to start. Marriage, is not for me. I can't seem to find the idea of marriage appealing too. Ask me again in five years, maybe my outlook on it will change, but as of right now? I am more interested to find the getup for my cousin's garden wedding beyond anything else. Yes, I enjoy going to weddings of other people but don't even spare a minute to ponder and think about my own.

And for what? If all else fails, I only need fifty bucks and I can have a wedding with that budget. Right Amy?

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