I just got back from possibly the worst birthday party I have ever been in my life. It was weird and tacky and it made me really uncomfortable. It was a cousin's birthday party and I went with my younger brother. The theme of the party was "Princess". The birthday girl is 23 years old.
I'm not saying it is wrong to have a "Princess" theme for a birthday party. But come on, any girl above the age of 10 that has a "Princess" birthday theme should be shot dead. You are 23 motherfucking years old. Why do you still want a "Princess" themed birthday party? You're a princess of what? Obviously you have not spared a thought for your guests and their mental well-being. It is tacky as hell and it is ridiculously obnoxious if you ask me. Talk about not growing up.
The birthday girl (woman, really) is Emma and she is one of those act cutesy type who has a perpetual duck face in every photo and listens to Demi Lovato and Taylor Swift at ear bleeding levels. We got her Facebook invite and since it was a "Princess" theme, the dress colour code was, Verbatim, "My favourite colour: PINK!!!"
"I am not wearing pink. Even though I spent my entire childhood with her, that is just pushing it too far," my brother said upon reading the invite.
"There is a bossy, annoying 8 year old girl trapped in her body," I concurred.
When we arrived at her place, the birthday girl greeted us at the door and she was exactly how we imagined her to be; tack to the point of making us nauseous with disgust. She was wearing this cheap ass pink princess gown with cheap satin at the bodice, miles and miles of cheap organza at the bottom and puffed up sleeves even Joan Collins wouldn't wear. She had a tiara (a motherfucking tiara, TIARA) and went all the way across the island to rent a bedazzled wand.
"Isn't she supposed to be a Princess? Why is she dressing like a fucking Fairy Godmother? Is this girl okay?" my brother whispered as we walk towards the gate.
"Hello boys. Today my name is Princess Em. Welcome to my castle and I hope you enjoy the party! Welcome!" she said, complete with a baby voice, waving the damn wand in our faces while at it.
"What the fuck Em?" my brother raised his eyebrows.
I laughed hysterically, a) to distract Em from what Harold just said and b) this is some hilarious delusion shit happening right here. But the worse has yet to come. I entered her house, well technically my aunt's house and I thought I was having a pink nightmare. Everything was pink. And I mean EVERYTHING.
Birthday cake, cupcakes, fruit punch, gallons, party hats, plastic utensils, banner, plastic plates, door gifts, presents, candies; everything was pink, and in all the shades available.
"I'm going to barf," Harold said.
"Hold your shit together. We are going to grab a bit, eat the cake and get the hell out of here before you can even say Fifty Shades Of Pink!" I whispered.
Harold giggles and ribbed me, "Look at her friends. Oh god, why?"
Across us were a group of six girls and they are wearing EXACTLY the same get up as Emma. "Meet the six Princesses!" Emma shrieked from behind.
"Ow!" Harold mouth, clasping his left ear.
As if on cue, the entire living room was filled with "A Whole New World". The group of six girls covered their mouths and started to get all excited, "You're so playing Disney princess songs aren't you Emma? Oh my this is epic!"
No fucking way. "Emma!" I called out to her.
"Princess Em Harry, and yes how can I help you?" she said, in that damn baby voice again.
"Cut the music. Anything other than this piece of shit. Demi Lovato for all I care. But not this. Please."
Emma just updated her Facebook Status: Love me or hate me. If you don't love me at my worst, then you sure don't deserve me at my best.
So Princess Em is the worst version of yourself right bitch?
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