Star is a shitty drinker. Let's just put it out there. Three Sex On The Beach and Star would dance with any man, even if he has a mask on his face and a gun in his hand. Five Sex On The Beach and Star would dance on a bar top. Seven Sex On The Beach and Star would lift her blouse and show her tits to any man who says to her, "Nice rack!" Add the eighth glass and she starts puking all over the place.
Last night, Star had three Sex On The BEach, two tequila shots, four Jaggerbombs, a lychee martini, a Screwdriver and two vodka tonics. Why? Because yesterday was Ladies Night and it's half price for all drinks. Bu the sixth drink, I actually asked if she was thirsty and bought for her a bottle of Evian; to which she said, "What am I? Sixteen? I can handle my drinks, I'm totally in control! Woohoo!"
And I said, "Okay", rolled my eyes and adjusted her shoulder strap because Miss-In-Control didn't even notice that one of her shoulder straps is off her shoulder.
I was alone in the club accompanying her (you are free to judge me) as Steve was down with fever and Melanie had work; one of her regular customers, this disgusting beer bellied Russian businessman who according to Melanie smelled of stale cheese, was in town.
"He's a total knucklehead in bed. But he pays me extra, A LOT extra and I'm willing to put up with a flaccid penis than seeing Star puke all over the place at the end of the day," Melanie said over the phone in a conference call with Star and me that afternoon.
"So says the tranny who flashed her new vagina at us during New Year's two years ago," Star spat over the phone.
I told Star to stop reminding me of that fateful episode and planting an image the I cannot erase for the entire week.
So there I was, alone with Star and trying to make sure she didn't puke on a random party goer at the end of the night. That's the least I could do, I had no plans on that night and I didn't want to receive any phone calls at three in the morning to bail her ass out for smashing a bottle over a girl's head for stealing her spot at the podium so I obliged.
She was drinking her seventh drink when "Scream and Shout" came on the speakers and she screamed, "Oh my god that's my jam! I'm so Britney right now!"
"You're not Britney Spears," I said.
"I am Britney fucking Spears! Woohoo!" she swung her head wildly to the left and right.
"No you're not. And you just hit the girl beside you with your hairflip of death," I reiterated and grabbed her arms.
"I am! And I'm gonna work that pole at the podium like my life depended on it!" she said, pushing my hand away and went up the podium and started gyrating around it like a hooker and the rent's due.
A random guy suddenly came up beside me and asked, "Is that your girlfriend?"
I shook my head and smiled politely.
"Man, she's hot and wild! What's her name?" he asked, drinking his beer.
"Britney Fucking Spears," I said. He gave me a weird look and walked away to his group of guy friends.
Around the podium was a growing group of clubbers who just stopped dancing altogether and was now looking at Star gyrating on the pole; a couple of boys wolf whistled and Star showed them the middle finger.
Two hours later, after finishing the thirteenth drink, I decided that it was time to go home. By then Star was barefoot and was singing "Scream and Shout" loudly, very loudly. I was holding her right arm so that she doesn't fall off balance and my other hand was carrying her YSL tributes.
"Shut up!" I hushed her.
We made a quick trip to 7-Eleven to buy her another bottle of Evian. Upon payment I asked the cashier to give me an extra plastic bag.
"Why do you need an extra plastic bag..." Star slurred.
"In case you puke in the cab later," I said pushing the glass door open.
"I so am not!" she laughed incoherently.
We were in the cab and Star tapped my thigh three times. I immediately opened the plastic bag and Star crouched down and proceeded to vomit out all of her insides. I wind down the windows and the cab driver said sternly, "Please be careful and don't dirty the taxi."
Star raised her head and said, "Uncle, I am Britney Spears and I can buy you and the cab so shut the fuck up and let me puke!"