Tell Tale Signs

Star's colleague, this 47 year old mother (let's just call her Lynn) got the biggest shock of her life when her 17 year old son came out to her last week. Lynn was surprised, she didn't suspect anything remotely queer about him at all.

"Mothers and their delusion. Once that boy came to our office to visit his master and I could smell the gay scent from a mile away. For fucks sake Harry he was wearing a low neck leopard print top. The only straight man who would wear that is if he is Crocodile Dundee. I mean, he walked past my office and said "Nice Louboutins!" Harry, that boy was gayer than Adam Lambert's eyeliner," Star shared with me yesterday.

So Star and I came up with a list of tell-tale signs to figure out if your son is gay. We plan to publish it as a little booklet with illustrations and sell it at Mothercare. We predict a little fortune befalling us thereafter.

And before any of you think this list is decretory, stereotypical or homophobic, a) you don't have a sense of humour to laugh at yourself and b) my best friend is an anal bleaching gay man and my other best friend is a transexual so screw you.

Are you ready mothers. Here are 20 tell-tale signs that your son is probably gay:

1. He is always flipping his imaginary extended hair, like it's long and he's in a Head and Shoulders shampoo commercial.

2. He loves to hand out at his cousin's place. Rita because she has an extensive Barbie Doll collection and Jake, because he is cute.

3. He owns the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. And make no apologies about it.

4. His wardrobe is more extensive and bigger than his sister.

5. He has a penchant for animal prints. Leopard, zebra, whatever.

6. His skincare regime takes a full hour.

7. Whenever you go shopping for clothes with him, he always tells you, "Mum, no."

8. You accidentally saw the contents of his phone and his wallpaper is a shirtless David Gandy.

9. Whenever he is on the phone with his best friend, he goes "Gurrrl" every two minutes.

10. He is pretty.

11. You never have to clean his room. It is spotless, like his pretty face.

12. Joins the gym.

13. Tells your husband, "Dad, I will not be seen in public with you wearing Crocs!"

14. With his first paycheck he bought for you a YSL mascara because his "friends" tell him that they're awesome.

15. His hair is always perfectly coiffed.

16. He brings a cute guy home and introduces him to you as, "My friend". Straight boys say, "My bud". True story.

17. Knows the name of every of the Victoria Secret's Angels.

18. Listens to Mariah Carey on loop.

19. Always asks you, "Mum, would you still love me if I'm different?"

20. Dildo in the closet.

Harry