Monday, September 23, 2013

The Co-incidence

I was browsing through my notes and found this note that I had typed out a couple of years ago. Who would have thought that today I would have the opportunity to act it all out at the expense of my dignity and for the pleasure of the whole of Singapore? These pearls of wisdom are the ones that didn't make the cut for the Bonda Bedah Berates video. Have a good read!

School For Mothers

May 4, 2011 at 12:16am
There is. I am not kidding you. I stumbled upon this textbook: How To Be An Effective Working Class Malay Mother. Apparently all our mothers come from this school. Here are the Ten Golden Rules.

1. Threat your kids with death

"Aku terjun baru korang tahu! Bila aku dah mampos baru korang tahu nasib korang!"

(Later when I jump down to my death then you all know your luck!)

2. Compare your kids with other over achieving kids

"Kau tengok anak Cik Timah, semua baik jadinya! Mana yang tak tinggal sembahyang, mana yang pergi universiti. Sejuk perut si Timah tu. Ntahlah, anak-anak aku susah lah, tak boleh jadi macam diorang."

(Look at Aunt Timah's children, all successful! Can go university, doesn't forget to pray daily. What good luck. My kids? Hopeless. Can never be like them.)

3. Ask for an extravagant amount of money from your kids.

"Jangan bohong dengan aku! Hah, kerja overtime aku tengok hari-hari, buang duit dengan orang tua susah!"

(Don't lie to me! You work overtime everyday, want to give parents money also hard.)

4. Scold your kid's friends who sneak into your house when you're not in.

"Ah bagos!! Masuk satu-satu macam pencuri! Berambus pun macam pencuri!!"

(Good! Sneak in the house like a burglar, leave the house also like one!)

5. Use "Kau nak jadi setan?!" at least once a day.

"Kau maghgrib-maghgrib tak tahu nak balik eh!? Kau nak jadi setan?! Ah bagus, bawak anak dara mana ntah balik rumah. Kau nak jadi setan?! Yer, subur-subur semua masih membuta. Kau nak jadi setan?!"

(It's dusk already you don't know how to return home? You want to be a devil? Good! Bring a girl home! You want to be a devil? Good! Before dawn all sleeping like a log. You want to be a devil?")

6. Sad, sacrificial stories. Use your tears.

"Aku selama ni korban, tangan jadi kaki, kaki jadi tangan besarkan korang tapi satu anak pun tak kesiankan aku. Sob. Dari kecik aku bela sampai dah besar panjang. Sob. Ni balasan korang kat aku? Sob, sob, sob.

(All these while i sacrificed, i used my four limbs to go out and work not even a single child pities me. I raised you all from small until you guys become adults. This is how you repay me? Sob Sob Sob.)

7. When your kid turns 21, every day, you must ask them about marriage.

"Bila aku nak timang cucu? Bila kau nak kahwin? Kau takda kawan ker? Bila nak bawak kawan kau balik rumah?"

(When can I hold a grandchild? When are you getting married? Don't you have a girlfriend? When are you going to bring your girlfriend home?)

8. And when they bring their gf/bf home, criticise.

"Betina/jantan apa kau bawak balik? Pakai tak senonoh, dengan orang tua tak tahu salaman, bagus lah, jantan/betina gini kau nak jadikan bini/laki?!"

(What kind of gf/bf are you bringing home? Wear so sleazy, don't know how to respect elders, this kind of man/woman you want to make a husband/wife?)

9. If you have a son, always threat that his future wife will never be like you. If you have a daughter, threat that she will never be like you.

"Nanti kau kahwin bini pengotor, baru ah kau tahu langit dengan bumi. Situ tempat tido, situ tempat main, situ jugaklah dia menyerakkan."

(One day you will marry a dirty woman then you will know. Sleeping area, eating area all at one place.)


"Kau memang tak boleh pembersih macam aku. Buat kerja rumah punya pemalas, masak, haram! Nanti kau dah kahwin, kasi laki kau cekik Maggi hari-hari!"

(You are not as clean and pedantic as me. So lazy to do housework. Cooking? Far from it! Later when you get married, you eat Maggi everyday lah!)

10. Nag. Nag about everything. Minimum is two hours. Great mothers nag throughout the night and continue till next morning.

I don't have enough space to type the nagging. Go figure.

Did I tell you that there will be a PART TWO OF BONDA BEDAH BERATES? Wait for it bitches. I mean, peaches.

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