Sunday, October 27, 2013

25 Ways To Deal With A "Fat" Friend

We all have that one skinny friend who goes on and on about how fat they are, with total disregard of more genuinely bigger sized friends in the same group.

1% of the time, it is a real mental problem (body image issues bla bla bla). 99% of the time, it's just to seek for attention and have someone coo and tell them otherwise.

Well fuck you skinny twig bitches. Here's a list of what we can do to combat aforementioned attention seekers.

1. They should be treated like ducks in the process of making foie gras; force fed with a garage.

2. Slap them on both cheeks with a double cheeseburger.

3. Backhand them on their "fat" skull with a weighing scale. Repeatedly.

4. Have someone really fat sit on their stomach till they involuntarily excrete.

5. Deny them food for two weeks. After which they will die and tadaa! One less annoying person to handle.

6. Substitute their spaghetti with Spanx.

7. Smash their heads on a slimming mirror.

8. Sign them up involuntarily to a medical facility that deals with chronic bulimia and anorexia.

9. Ask them to consume copious amounts of Slim 10. If their liver fails, go and visit them in the hospital and laugh, "Pierre Png already gave one of his liver away muahahaha!"

10. Ignore.

11. Good them further by reconfirming that yes, they are fat.

12. Tag them on Facebook with a picture of a pregnant cow and caption it, "You".

13. When you go to the zoo together, point to the hippopotamus and loudly scream, "Oh my god your folks are here too!"

14. If possible, oven them. Tell the police afterwards that all you wanted to do was to "help them burn the calories".

15. Play a game of dodgeball with them but instead of a regular ball, pour liquid lard into a plastic bag and tie that shit up.

16. At McDonalds, take away their Big Mac and give them only the lettuce and pickles saying that "it's for the better".

17. Stop being friends with them because you "only make friends with skinny people".

18. Tie them up to a fat person for a day just to fuck up their social life.

19. For their birthday, instead of a birthday cake, buy a loaf of who meal bread and a few candles.

20. During dinner gatherings just tell the waiter, "Only plain water for him/her".

21. Blindfold them, tie them up to a chair and repeatedly hit them with a crispy KFC drumlet.

22. Go to their house and secretly install a "Fat Cam" and upload it on YouTube.

23. Roll your eyes when they say "I'm fat!". After that mutter audibly behind them, "Fuck off." Screw it. You don't need that kind of friendship.

24. Instead of a kinky dildo birthday gift give her a zucchini instead.

25. Ask her/him to read this list.

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