Monday, December 30, 2013

25 Reasons Why You Should Never Invite A Makcik Over For Christmas Dinner

1. They don't eat ham. And you can't lie to them and say that it's turkey ham. They can smell a gram of pork, miles away, just like sharks to blood. Come to think of it, some Malay makciks ARE sharks.

2. They'll gossip about you at the table itself and you won't even realize it.

3. They will give you their recipe for a more "sedan" roasted turkey.

4. They don't drink wine. They call it "The Devil's Piss".

5. They have a different way of saying grace. And it's not going to be pretty when there is pork and alcohol on the table in front of them.

6. They probably have a nicer set of cutleries and will make no effort to conceal that fact in your face.

7. And a nicer set of table runner.

8. And curtains.

9. They will stop eating halfway to go to the toilet and make a quick phone call or Facebook status update about your terrible hosting skills.

10. For the Christmas gift exchange afterwards, someone will receive a set of second hand unused "good as new" Tupperware.

11. They'll find your Christmas background music too churchy.

12. They'll want to eat Sambal Belachan with everything, and who has time for that shit?

13. They will probably come an hour late because they have to "settle some things at home first".

14. "Eeuw! You eat slices of beef with cranberry jam?!"

15. They will scoff at your version of eggnog and ask you to try pengat instead.

16. "Chinese New Year you celebrate, Christmas also you celebrate, actually which one you really supposed to celebrate?"

17. They'll bring along their kuih makmur and pineapple tarts and hog all the limelight.

18. They have to leave by 8 cause there is a re-run of Adam and Hawa on Suria at 8:30 after the news.

19. They won't be game enough to wear Santa hats cause they're already wearing the tudung.

20. Have you ever seen a Makcik singing a Christmas Carol. Exactly. Me too.

21. They'll stand in front of your Christmas tree going, "Where did you cut down this tree?"

22. They'll bring along a friend who will invite another friend and another friend because they are "shy to come alone".

23. They'll bring their own non-christmas-y dishes. Something Hari Raya-y.

24. Have you ever seen a Malay Makcik eat mashed potatoes with a fucking fork. Yeah, me neither.

25. They'll want to come back again next year.

2 comments:

  1. Greetings,

    Have you ever thought of doing stand-up? Most of your tweets and posts are stand-up comedy material. For example; Having stories about a weird yet cool bunch of friends you are close to, the tranny, the rich kid, the hot one etc. Having a really cool mom who you have regular interesting conversations with. This is stand-up material man. I particularly like your tweets about the Malay people, racists jokes are okay if it's about your race. But I wouldn't call it racists jokes. More like humor targeting Malay stereotypes. Amazing stuff. Keep righting.

    Salutations,
    Jabarak Kuzamir

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for your kind words Jabarak Kuzamir!

    ReplyDelete