Every Christmas season, you can be sure that Steve is single handedly improving the Singapore economy by going on a shopping rampage to buy gifts for literally…everyone.
The fact that he has a bank account that never seems to deplete in reserves also means that the gifts he buy would either send you into materialistic orgasm or shame at your own poverty.
Over the years I have learned to accept his gifts with a gracious "thank you" and though he never asks for it, presented him with an equally exorbitant (what's the use, really) gift in exchange.
"He bought me a Michael Kors tote! And all i said was, 'Oh my god, this would be a perfect Christmas gift', and then bam, suddenly I have a Michael Kors paper bag in my hand!" Star squealed in excitement yesterday over dinner.
She, Melanie and Steve had went Christmas shopping earlier in the afternoon and while Steve is in the gents, Star and Melanie regaled in sheer excitement over Steve's utter generosity in buying Christmas gifts.
"And he bought for me an entire set of La Mer beauty products! Like on a fucking wimp! I mean, I'm aware that he is filthy rich but he's pulling all stops this year I'm telling you!" Melanie continued, flipping her hair fabulously.
"He got for you a $500 gift voucher from Kinokuniya because he knows you love to read and collect books and something from Tom Ford, don't tell him I told you," Star winked.
"No fucking way. He bought me those shades that I've always wanted?!" I said, feeling a rising fear inside of me.
Fear because there is no way I can top his Christmas gift. And the worst part is, I don't even celebrate Christmas in the first place.
Just then Steve came out from the gents and said to me, "From your facial expression, I know for a fact that Star have told you about the gifts that I bought for you."
"I did not!" Star tried to explain.
"Your vagina is not the only thing on your body that is perpetually gaping. I told you I wanted to surprise him Star!" Steve angrily said.
"It's the season of giving. I just thought he should know the starting price cap for YOUR gift. In a normal situation, I would just give the man who buys me a branded bag a blow job, which is priceless if you ask me, but since you're gay, all the three of us are left with a splitting headache and a groaning wallet in order to top your Christmas gift," Star said.
"You know I'm not like that. It's the thought that counts," Steve chided Star.
And so yesterday, I went to get for him a cufflink from Dunhill and at the same counter, struggled with the Ah Lian salesperson.
"This one for you?" she asked earnestly.
"No, it's a Christmas gift for my best friend," I smiled.
"Wahlao! So high crass one!" she suddenly raised her voice.
High crass. Crass. CRASS.
Beats me as to how these people get to work in a luxury store int he first place.
Star texted me just now saying that she bought for Steve a Marc by Marc Jacobs sling bag and that she finds this whole Christmas gifting ritual a tedious and stressful affair.
Not when you are at the receiving end of it BITCH.