Wednesday, January 23, 2013

25 Things You Don't Want Your Pilot To Say On The Plane

And I sure as hell hope and pray to the heavens above that none of you peaches will get to listen to any of these in your lifetime of jet setting experiences.

1. Shit, we are not going to survive this turbulence.

2. The journey to Milan wold take approximately 14 hours. As part of your in flight entertainment, we are going to play all Justin Bieber songs to keep you company till we reach our destination.

3. How many of you in this plane knows how to actually fly one?

4. You guys have watches Snakes On A Plane before? Well...urm, how do I put this? There ARE snakes on the plane right now as we are speaking.

5. Could someone get the two lovebirds fucking the crap out of each other in the toilet out from there thank you. It's literally shaking the entire aircraft.

6. Dear passengers, there is an unknown man holding a gun and a scarf over his head right now in the cockpit with me and he says this plane is heading to paradise.

7. Uh...yeah...just like that Phil. Suck it just like that. Ooooh, yeah, who's your daddy huh?

8. Paging for the crew manager. Your pilot is suffering from a heart attack right now as we speak and I think I am getting one myself...

9. Phil are we lost? Did we follow the correct route? Why is this not on automatic? Why are we flying over the Pacific Ocean?

10. Is that a bird. another plane or is that a...fuck.

11. (*slurring) I hope you guys are having a party at the back there because we sure are having on right in front here woohoo!

12. If anybody on the plane finds a cock-ring, please pass it to one of the crew members and have it returned to me, thanks.

13. We're going down bitches, we're going down hard.

14. Lisa can you and the rest of the crew do another safety brief and demonstration to the passengers because we might need to exercise it out in about ten minutes.

15. You could have told me we were heading to Dublin like seven hours ago! What?! Bangkok?!

16.  I bet you five hundred bucks I can make this motherfucker make a 360 degrees turn, Top Gun style. In?

17. There is a lady in white here in the cockpit who claims that she died in an air crash seven years ago and drowned in the waters below and if you guys are doing this a joke, I am not amused.

18. Shit Phil, we ran out of lube. Lisa! You're needed in here and bring some lube along with you!

19. Are you passengers feeling lucky today? Because today we are going to fly over the Bermuda triangle!

20. If I'm going down, I am taking everybody with me.

21. I hate to say this but can someone tranquilize the baby that's been wailing non stop for the past hour and a half?

22. And the lady in white says that if she doesn't get to meet her parents today, we are all fucked.

23. Who is the motherfucker who is still playing with their phone after I have told you many, many times to switch the damn thing off?

24. What are the chances of survival if this plane crashes into the plains of Africa below?

25. Anybody who can sing me the best karaoke version of Leaving On A Jetplane gets to sleep with me when we land!

No comments:

Post a Comment