An Important Retail Letter

For a good portion of my young adult life (I feel funny writing that considering that I am only 24), I have been working in the retail sector before making the decision to become a writer full time. Therefore as much as I have an extremely high (yet easily achievable) standard of customer service and expectations vice versa, I find it very easy to relate to fellow retail service providers.

Because let's face it, there are disgusting shoppers out there, everywhere. And I have nothing but empathy for these poor retail guys and girls who have to serve assholes after assholes, day after day.

So this is an open letter to all the disgusting shoppers out there who have given a hard time to a retail service provider sometime in their live. I've got your back you poor sales staffs.

Dear Disgusting Shoppers,

Let me start by saying that unlike the Food and Beverage industry, there is no portion in your bill that says "Service Charge" when you buy anything from a retail store. That means that a) you are not paying us a single cent to render any form of service whatsoever to you and b) we don't fucking have to.

But we still do it because it is our livelihood and because we find an immeasurable amount of joy in telling you that the green blouse looks great on you when in actual fact you look like an overweight Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. So don't push your luck, because there will be no point in your argument where you say, "I pay for the service!" You are not asshole. You. Are. Not.

Here are a few things that I would like to highlight in regards to your shitty self-important attitude when buying a piece of clothing.

Firstly when you cheaply ask, "Do you have any discounts?" and we tell you politely, "Sorry ma'am but no" fucking take it or leave it. Asking another twenty times is not going to change the simple fact that THERE IS NO DISCOUNT. And don't push your douchey level further by asking arrogantly, "Why is there no discount?!"

Look, we do not have an answer for that question so quit asking. This is also not your father's shop where everything is going to be on discount as and when you please. And fuck you, there is no free gifts either might I add, you cheap ass.

Secondly, quit asking, "Is this all you have? Is this the only colours you have?" What is this? A dye shop? If there are other colours, we will gladly show you. Trust us, we don't wish to keep hidden colours inside the store room either. We want to sell it as much as you want to buy it.

This also applies to sizes. If there is no more "Large", then there is no more "Large". We are not going to knit or sew for you a cardigan from scratch to make an "L" size are we? So shut it.

Another thing, we are sales person not your spouse. Stop asking "Does this look good on me?" But of course we are going to say yes, even if you look like crap. We WILL say it looks great on you, perfect colour, perfect fit, great choice. Don't burden us with your insecurity. If the mirror in the store says you're ugly, the mirror at home will say the same thing. There is no point asking us retarded questions like, "Does this make me look fat?" 

Did you had supper last night? Then yes, you're a fat ass. I am trying to smile because I don't want to scream "Fatty!" in your face. That would be mean. True, but mean.

And last but not least don't come to the cashier point during sales and scream in your annoying fucktard voice, "Can you hurry up! I haven't got any time!"

Listen here. If you are in a hurry, DON'T SHOP. Easy? If you have a plane to catch, how is that my fucking fault? You were the one who took ages to decide on which top to choose so don't come rushing me like I owe you something. These things take time. Your credit card is not co-operating either, not my fucking fault. So don't be a total a-hole and scream us to hurry up. We can't come as fast as you. Everybody is built differently and not everybody suffers from premature ejaculation like you do.

So with that, have a great shopping trip.

Love,
Salesman of the World