In light of the recently concluded election, I have been toying with the frivolous dreams of being the Prime Minister of SIngapore. I, in reality would be a shitty politician not because I would be corrupt, but because the laws that I would implement would be rubbish and self-important. So peaches, if (let's just humour me now for a bit) I get to become the Prime Minister of this Republic, here are the 25 laws that I would amend and implement:
1) Corporal punishment for anyone caught in public with an offensive body odour. Create 20,000 new jobs for "BOPs" aka "Body Odour Police". 1st offense: $100, 2nd offense: $250, 3rd offense: 2 weeks imprisonment or $5000 bail.
2) With immediate effect, deport half of the Filipinos, half of the PRCs, a quarter Myanmarese, a quarter Indians, a quarter Thais and a quarter white-skinned expatriates. We keep the Banglas.
3) Do away with the ERP system. Money generated from Body Odour Programme would be more than enough to substitute the losses.
4) Every new immigrant/foreign worker must sit through (and fucking pass) Primary 6 level English or they can forget it.
5) Abolish 377A. Make gay marriages legal and extend it worldwide. Be the first Asia Pacific country to do so. Gay bridal registry would single handedly sustain the economy.
6) By Secondary One, students are allowed to major in subjects that they like and follow meritocracy to a T. Math, Science is not a compulsory module.
7) National Service is reduced to only 15 months. Serve so long in the army for what?
8) Only native Singaporeans can be a Singapore Airlines Cabin Crew.
9) Euthanize Minister Mentor.
10) Okay lah can have chewing gum. But as usual, you throw anyhow, fine.
11) Death penalty for rapists.
12) Fine Starhub, Singtel and M1 $60 Million each, so they REALLY feel the pinch and fucking install 300000 new satellites if they have to.
13) Corporal punishment...even for underaged teenage offenders. If you're old enough to riot, you're old enough to get caned.
14) Bring A&W back.
15) Build flats in Pulau Tekong and our neighbouring Singapore owned islands.
16) Abolish MDA and its homophobic, narrow-minded, self-respecting excuse of an agenda.
17) It is mandatory for every establishment that plays Christmas and Chinese New Year songs to also play Hari Raya and Deepavali jingles.
18) Disneyland Singapore motherfuckers.
19) Change our SMRT to bullet trains.
20) Do away with the different political parties. We all live under democracy. And such a small country want to have a lot of political parties for what?
21) No need to seek permission from Police to talk at Speaker's Corner. Want to talk? Talk until your saliva dry also can. Go, go, First world country what, have freedom of speech.
22) Anybody caught in public using/wearing fake branded goods would be fined. We need to inculcate a "classy" way of living.
23) We will still collect 7% GST but the government would only absorb 5%. The remaining 2% would be distributed evenly to various charities and for research work.
24) Malays CAN serve the army as a Commando and be in the Air Force, artillery etc. Bring your "Malayan Loyalty Paranoia" elsewhere.
25) Keep me as PM for at least another day.